Is it mean of me to say I would? Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people I care about deeply here. But I don't think that if we're ever allowed to leave that we'll get to go with them.
[She surely wouldn't with Todomatsu, after all. but he'd be fine. He was sometimes stronger than he gave himself credit for. But only sometimes.]
Or vice versa. So I enjoy the time I have with them now. Someday, I'll be able to tell their stories and that's all that matters.
[Still, the talk about his family...] If you've been fighting with her, maybe have a talk. I don't intend to marry, myself, but my grandmother always said if you are fighting over something with a loved one, don't let each other go to bed mad. Even if it takes all night to sort things out.
[The words leave Eridanus a lot more easily than he anticipated, the thought one that he has been sitting on for some time. He watches her face, curious.]
I've been beginning to think... about how I won't get my magic back. Even if I ask Mana, I doubt she would give me anything strong enough to return me home. I've begun to resign myself to this place, so perhaps that is why I am less inclined to leave the friends I have made, too.
[His gaze lowers to the deep burgundy of his wine, watching as it ripples with the slightest vibration within the restaurant.]
As for talking, that is easier said than done. I have always been awful at expressing myself. I guard my emotions close to my breast, and I can't find the right words to ever explain them because for my entire life, I never had anyone to confide in. If only this troll blood made it easier for me to voice the feelings it has me endure, perhaps then there would be some blessings to monsterdom.
Looking at the dirt and telling me you see a storm cloud. It's defeatist. But let's say we can't get back for... whatever reason. I don't think that will be the case, but I'll play with you in this space. If we can't go back, and we're effectively immortal, then eventually everyone will fall to madness. People - humans, mostly - aren't meant to withstand a passage of time that is thousands of years. We very pointedly do not have the brain function meant to keep us from madness.
And that's really what the Fog wants, I think. I am content here, but I wouldn't say I'm happy to be here. If that makes sense?
[Peace tilts her head at Eridanus.]
I don't have that problem, obviously.
[Considering how open she is.]
At least, not any more. There are a lot of reasons to keep things close to the breast. Stuff that's scarred you, stuff that you don't want anyone else to know. If she's your wife, shouldn't you... I don't know. Like, isn't that supposed to be how marriage works? You confide in each other and tell each other the truth. Is there something about your wife that stops that?
The idea of being a troll, which I've come to understand, is that you have to force yourself to do it. The temper is like... passing a kidney stone for a man, I guess. It hurts, and you bleed and you curse, but in the end that worst part passes, and you get to reclaim yourself little by little.
But you're really new, you haven't been here that long, right? Not since... July?
[Peace wracks her brain, trying to think of when she first saw his name on the network. That seems right, July.]
So you have time to like, get a handle on the beast and make it do what you want, not what it wants to do. I've been here since February, and my changes actually ended in July, technically, when I got all hacked up to begin with. My temper still flares up, and sometimes it feel uncontrollable, but I also have the tools and the support system I need to keep myself from like... digging a hole under a bridge and living there. It's really important to have a support system of people who not only care for you, but also won't let you fall into a trap.
Perhaps that is our difference then. I am already a millennium old, and it will be at least another before my natural lifespan should come to an end. There was a time in the past, where my ancestors were veritably immortal, then that lifespan shortened to ten thousand years, and now... well, now we only live for two, maybe three thousand. Perhaps immortality is a hard thing to grasp when your race barely reaches a century.
[Eridanus leans back in his chair, his opalescent claws gently swirling along the rim of his wine glass.]
I am not afraid of living forever, though if I am meant to live a long time, I would like to enjoy myself. I would like to find happiness. I grasp at things people should want, traditionally: a good family, a good job, et cetera. That is how I met my wife. I had remained unmarried up until five years ago — all one thousand and thirty years — but then I heard her name on the lips of my peers, and saw it across many files and scholarly journals. She is an accomplished woman with a good head on her shoulders and I thought... ah, wouldn't she make the perfect wife? [Whatever thoughtfulness was in his expression falters, leaving behind a sour frown.]
And she is the perfect wife. Beautiful, with a sharp mind to match. Poised, elegant, graceful — the perfect Rim'falen woman. She's a wonderful mother, and does charity work while owning her own business. Yet, I won her affections without ever really telling her my past or my troubles, aside from the ones our people collectively shared. I kept a large part of who I was and am from her up until coming here, where I feel like I lose myself to my anger and my sorrow at the snap of fingers. It's hard to reveal the things you have spent eight or nine centuries desperately confining within your mind.
Perhaps I am a liar, as she says, but I was so enthralled with the idea of finally having a normal life that I did not want to ruin my chances with her.
She is rather fearsome, even I have a hard time facing off with her. Her will is so strong sometimes I feel as though I should simply bow my head and take it, but what pride I do have tells me I should not be a doormat if there are things I am unhappy with.
[Yeah Peace, take his word for it, marriage... is hard. Not always—but it is right now.]
What's that phrase? Skeletons in the closet? Everyone has them, and even those who put on a perfect act do, too. In fact, take my word for it... there are too many in there to count.
[Not like he'll say much more than that, especially when that idiom flies right over his head.]
Excuse me? Is birthday cake not something you wished for?
No, it's an idiom. I do want cake, I love to eat things.
[She sips more of her wine and looks thoughtfully at him - almost through him, it seems, before speaking up again.]
Your wife reminds me of someone like my father's [There's a hesitation there, like she shouldn't say that word anymore] mother. She's pretty fearsome, too. But that usually doesn't come from a need to control, it is more like... Like making sure the family is safe from outside strife. Considering what my parents did, it wouldn't surprise me if she wanted to make sure everyone aware of how important it is to keep one another safe.
It super sounds like you both need to have a long talk where you both agree to not get upset at the other's opinion, you know? You might both raise good points. Maybe you can get past your impasse that way? Anyway, if you love her and you hold her in high esteem, wouldn't it make more sense not to throw that away? It sounds like it was something you really wanted and got.
[Peace is sweet, Eridanus decides, and it earns a soft laugh from him as he watches her face twist around the words and ideas.]
Cake it is. I'll make sure they bring something good.
[And, as if summoning their food with those words alone, two waiters bring them their entrees in a flourish. The food is set before them, with scents of fresh herbs and garlic wafting on its steam. Eridanus does not move to grab his fork just yet, instead favoring the merlot that is poured to a polite level once more by one of the waiters before they leave.]
You are precisely right, and even I know that Rosefica is nothing if not protective of our family. Unfortunate for her that she married into a family of nothing but strife, yet, I cannot find pity for her there. She did know of my past — somewhat — before we married, and had it not been for this peninsula, the rest of my skeletons would have stayed locked in the closet where I meant them.
[He pauses to sip his wine,] I plan to speak with her soon, we've a match of fethesi to play together.
[Eridanus laughs as he sets aside his wine glass and finally picks up a fork.]
Ah, well yes, fethesi is quite complicated. Not very many of my own people even play the game — but I have always favored stratagem. It was the role I filled in wars too, as frequently as the factions went to them.
[He pokes at his risotto as he speaks, not actually eating it!]
[Peace looks between his risotto and him, having already taken a rapturous bite of her filet mignon. She wasn't lying when she said she loved to eat, and the way her eyes closed and her head head tipped back as she did was proof.
It. Was. So. GOOD! ]
If you don't eat that, it's going to get cold and gummy. No one likes gummy cheese.
[Peace wrinkled her nose. Before taking another rapturous bite.]
[It's with a soft, airy sigh that Eridanus finally scoops a bite onto his fork and brings it to his lips. The spice and cheese hits his tongue in an explosion of flavor, one that is easily savored in the wake of the bitterness of his merlot. He chews politely, swallows, then pokes a small piece of his salmon.]
I have bad habits when it comes to food. [He admits,] despite our separation, Rosefica has been frequently sending homecooked meals to my workplace to make sure that I eat.
[He lifts that small, trying bite of salmon to his lips and rolls it across his tongue. It's different from the fish of Vathea, isn't it? The choice of seasonings here in Ryslig are far tamer than he prefers, but it's delicious nonetheless.]
It sounds like she can't be that angry with you if she's sending you food.
[Peace chuckles, eating more of her delicious food. Every bite is like the first bite of real food after they had pumped the children of the cult full of liquids to regain their strength, when eating would prove deadly. It fills her with an odd sense of nostalgia as she continues.]
When I was little, I almost starved to death, so it gives me a certain... reverence for eating? And I've got a pretty high metabolism, to boot. Are you just one of those people who should be eating, but are never hungry? Like... an anorexic?
[Eridanus can relate, in a way, to Peace's story.]
Maybe. [He's quiet for a moment, poking at his food once more as a melancholy takes his expression.]
My father was extremely controlling, even well into my adulthood. How much I ate was one of the few things I felt I had control over as a child, and perhaps I just continued to deny myself after my father's passing as a means of self-punishment. I do get hungry, honestly, but I can't bring myself to eat most of the time. I get nauseated easily, even though I know I should eat.
[He lifts his gaze from his plate and looks across the table, towards Peace.]
Surprisingly, turning into a monster has improved my eating habits. I have to eat, or else I'll rampage as any of our kind will. As awful as some view it to be, it has become somewhat of a blessing to me.
[Peace winced, taking a few bites of her vegetables.]
I mean, I'm glad that you're eating, but we don't need to eat people more than once a week. Which... is not great, but one of my bosses sends along packets of meat as part of my pay, which is nice of him. You probably shouldn't punish yourself for it though. You're a big guy, sure, but muscles usually go first when you don't eat. And even though we're sturdy, that doesn't mean we will live if we don't eat properly.
[It was a reasonable thought: if one didn't eat well, and often, that it would lead to Eridanus ruining his body.]
[Eridanus chuckles at Peace's concern, and he has to pause before he allows it to really disrupt the quiet ambiance of the restaurant. He supposes that she hadn't seen him before his changes, had she? That's likely why she would imagine him attached to this bulky body.]
You do not have to tell me, I was thin as a reed before these transformations, perhaps half my current width. I am unsure as to why my body changed so dramatically, perhaps it is because our kind are more physical than others?
[He manages to bring a teeny bite of salmon to his lips, and chews it far longer than the bite warrants, before swallowing. He's not about to tell Peace that he eats humans frequently, he doubts that's a nice birthday thought.]
Possibly! I did not get big, but I don't mind that. Being small helps me keep out of the way and secret. The opals, not so much. They're a little flashy, right? Totally not my style.
[She touched one experimentally with pale fingers. They hadn't quiet finished growing back since they'd been gouged out, and so they hurt sometimes.]
They're really pretty though, even if people think they need to remove them.
Very flashy. [Eridanus corroborates, but then again, he has always been a bit flashier.
Even if his clothing choice was more traditional, and darker in color, he'd always worn a litany of rings across his fingers, and the dangling gold earrings that still decorated his lobes.]
While I am not a fan of how it's ruined my handsome looks, I am quite a fan of the opals. I never knew how lovely they were until they grew out of me.
[Was that a joke or just vanity? Hard to tell.]
You mean the poachers, correct? Did they harvest your opals? When I arrived it was in one of their holding cells.
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[She surely wouldn't with Todomatsu, after all. but he'd be fine. He was sometimes stronger than he gave himself credit for. But only sometimes.]
Or vice versa. So I enjoy the time I have with them now. Someday, I'll be able to tell their stories and that's all that matters.
[Still, the talk about his family...] If you've been fighting with her, maybe have a talk. I don't intend to marry, myself, but my grandmother always said if you are fighting over something with a loved one, don't let each other go to bed mad. Even if it takes all night to sort things out.
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[The words leave Eridanus a lot more easily than he anticipated, the thought one that he has been sitting on for some time. He watches her face, curious.]
I've been beginning to think... about how I won't get my magic back. Even if I ask Mana, I doubt she would give me anything strong enough to return me home. I've begun to resign myself to this place, so perhaps that is why I am less inclined to leave the friends I have made, too.
[His gaze lowers to the deep burgundy of his wine, watching as it ripples with the slightest vibration within the restaurant.]
As for talking, that is easier said than done. I have always been awful at expressing myself. I guard my emotions close to my breast, and I can't find the right words to ever explain them because for my entire life, I never had anyone to confide in. If only this troll blood made it easier for me to voice the feelings it has me endure, perhaps then there would be some blessings to monsterdom.
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Looking at the dirt and telling me you see a storm cloud. It's defeatist. But let's say we can't get back for... whatever reason. I don't think that will be the case, but I'll play with you in this space. If we can't go back, and we're effectively immortal, then eventually everyone will fall to madness. People - humans, mostly - aren't meant to withstand a passage of time that is thousands of years. We very pointedly do not have the brain function meant to keep us from madness.
And that's really what the Fog wants, I think. I am content here, but I wouldn't say I'm happy to be here. If that makes sense?
[Peace tilts her head at Eridanus.]
I don't have that problem, obviously.
[Considering how open she is.]
At least, not any more. There are a lot of reasons to keep things close to the breast. Stuff that's scarred you, stuff that you don't want anyone else to know. If she's your wife, shouldn't you... I don't know. Like, isn't that supposed to be how marriage works? You confide in each other and tell each other the truth. Is there something about your wife that stops that?
The idea of being a troll, which I've come to understand, is that you have to force yourself to do it. The temper is like... passing a kidney stone for a man, I guess. It hurts, and you bleed and you curse, but in the end that worst part passes, and you get to reclaim yourself little by little.
But you're really new, you haven't been here that long, right? Not since... July?
[Peace wracks her brain, trying to think of when she first saw his name on the network. That seems right, July.]
So you have time to like, get a handle on the beast and make it do what you want, not what it wants to do. I've been here since February, and my changes actually ended in July, technically, when I got all hacked up to begin with. My temper still flares up, and sometimes it feel uncontrollable, but I also have the tools and the support system I need to keep myself from like... digging a hole under a bridge and living there. It's really important to have a support system of people who not only care for you, but also won't let you fall into a trap.
no subject
[Eridanus leans back in his chair, his opalescent claws gently swirling along the rim of his wine glass.]
I am not afraid of living forever, though if I am meant to live a long time, I would like to enjoy myself. I would like to find happiness. I grasp at things people should want, traditionally: a good family, a good job, et cetera. That is how I met my wife. I had remained unmarried up until five years ago — all one thousand and thirty years — but then I heard her name on the lips of my peers, and saw it across many files and scholarly journals. She is an accomplished woman with a good head on her shoulders and I thought... ah, wouldn't she make the perfect wife? [Whatever thoughtfulness was in his expression falters, leaving behind a sour frown.]
And she is the perfect wife. Beautiful, with a sharp mind to match. Poised, elegant, graceful — the perfect Rim'falen woman. She's a wonderful mother, and does charity work while owning her own business. Yet, I won her affections without ever really telling her my past or my troubles, aside from the ones our people collectively shared. I kept a large part of who I was and am from her up until coming here, where I feel like I lose myself to my anger and my sorrow at the snap of fingers. It's hard to reveal the things you have spent eight or nine centuries desperately confining within your mind.
Perhaps I am a liar, as she says, but I was so enthralled with the idea of finally having a normal life that I did not want to ruin my chances with her.
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[Yet another tick in the "do not get married" box, yeesh, scary.]
But it doesn't sound like you were grasping at those things, it sounded like you had - have? - them.
[She isn't even touching the thousands of years living thing, she won't even live past sixty, normally.]
Can't have your cake and eat it too, I guess.
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[Yeah Peace, take his word for it, marriage... is hard. Not always—but it is right now.]
What's that phrase? Skeletons in the closet? Everyone has them, and even those who put on a perfect act do, too. In fact, take my word for it... there are too many in there to count.
[Not like he'll say much more than that, especially when that idiom flies right over his head.]
Excuse me? Is birthday cake not something you wished for?
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[She sips more of her wine and looks thoughtfully at him - almost through him, it seems, before speaking up again.]
Your wife reminds me of someone like my father's [There's a hesitation there, like she shouldn't say that word anymore] mother. She's pretty fearsome, too. But that usually doesn't come from a need to control, it is more like... Like making sure the family is safe from outside strife. Considering what my parents did, it wouldn't surprise me if she wanted to make sure everyone aware of how important it is to keep one another safe.
It super sounds like you both need to have a long talk where you both agree to not get upset at the other's opinion, you know? You might both raise good points. Maybe you can get past your impasse that way? Anyway, if you love her and you hold her in high esteem, wouldn't it make more sense not to throw that away? It sounds like it was something you really wanted and got.
no subject
Cake it is. I'll make sure they bring something good.
[And, as if summoning their food with those words alone, two waiters bring them their entrees in a flourish. The food is set before them, with scents of fresh herbs and garlic wafting on its steam. Eridanus does not move to grab his fork just yet, instead favoring the merlot that is poured to a polite level once more by one of the waiters before they leave.]
You are precisely right, and even I know that Rosefica is nothing if not protective of our family. Unfortunate for her that she married into a family of nothing but strife, yet, I cannot find pity for her there. She did know of my past — somewhat — before we married, and had it not been for this peninsula, the rest of my skeletons would have stayed locked in the closet where I meant them.
[He pauses to sip his wine,] I plan to speak with her soon, we've a match of fethesi to play together.
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[She was smart in some place, but not there! Oh well.]
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Ah, well yes, fethesi is quite complicated. Not very many of my own people even play the game — but I have always favored stratagem. It was the role I filled in wars too, as frequently as the factions went to them.
[He pokes at his risotto as he speaks, not actually eating it!]
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It. Was. So. GOOD! ]
If you don't eat that, it's going to get cold and gummy. No one likes gummy cheese.
[Peace wrinkled her nose. Before taking another rapturous bite.]
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I have bad habits when it comes to food. [He admits,] despite our separation, Rosefica has been frequently sending homecooked meals to my workplace to make sure that I eat.
[He lifts that small, trying bite of salmon to his lips and rolls it across his tongue. It's different from the fish of Vathea, isn't it? The choice of seasonings here in Ryslig are far tamer than he prefers, but it's delicious nonetheless.]
CW: disordered eating
[Peace chuckles, eating more of her delicious food. Every bite is like the first bite of real food after they had pumped the children of the cult full of liquids to regain their strength, when eating would prove deadly. It fills her with an odd sense of nostalgia as she continues.]
When I was little, I almost starved to death, so it gives me a certain... reverence for eating? And I've got a pretty high metabolism, to boot. Are you just one of those people who should be eating, but are never hungry? Like... an anorexic?
CW: Eating disorder
Maybe. [He's quiet for a moment, poking at his food once more as a melancholy takes his expression.]
My father was extremely controlling, even well into my adulthood. How much I ate was one of the few things I felt I had control over as a child, and perhaps I just continued to deny myself after my father's passing as a means of self-punishment. I do get hungry, honestly, but I can't bring myself to eat most of the time. I get nauseated easily, even though I know I should eat.
[He lifts his gaze from his plate and looks across the table, towards Peace.]
Surprisingly, turning into a monster has improved my eating habits. I have to eat, or else I'll rampage as any of our kind will. As awful as some view it to be, it has become somewhat of a blessing to me.
CW: Eating disorder
I mean, I'm glad that you're eating, but we don't need to eat people more than once a week. Which... is not great, but one of my bosses sends along packets of meat as part of my pay, which is nice of him. You probably shouldn't punish yourself for it though. You're a big guy, sure, but muscles usually go first when you don't eat. And even though we're sturdy, that doesn't mean we will live if we don't eat properly.
[It was a reasonable thought: if one didn't eat well, and often, that it would lead to Eridanus ruining his body.]
CW: Eating disorder
You do not have to tell me, I was thin as a reed before these transformations, perhaps half my current width. I am unsure as to why my body changed so dramatically, perhaps it is because our kind are more physical than others?
[He manages to bring a teeny bite of salmon to his lips, and chews it far longer than the bite warrants, before swallowing. He's not about to tell Peace that he eats humans frequently, he doubts that's a nice birthday thought.]
CW: Eating disorder
[She touched one experimentally with pale fingers. They hadn't quiet finished growing back since they'd been gouged out, and so they hurt sometimes.]
They're really pretty though, even if people think they need to remove them.
no subject
Even if his clothing choice was more traditional, and darker in color, he'd always worn a litany of rings across his fingers, and the dangling gold earrings that still decorated his lobes.]
While I am not a fan of how it's ruined my handsome looks, I am quite a fan of the opals. I never knew how lovely they were until they grew out of me.
[Was that a joke or just vanity? Hard to tell.]
You mean the poachers, correct? Did they harvest your opals? When I arrived it was in one of their holding cells.